There is no such thing

Why people been telling me so many things?
So complicated.........

Different points of view

People react differently toward the same issue.
I would say there is no "should" or "must".
I tried to follow my heart to explore.
Others may seeing me established a pattern or living in a cycle,
but wait a minute.... this is my life and this is what I had chosen.
I did learn from my past, which I will stay away from mistake.
I don't see any problem of my believe, and I don't to influence by others.
I am not that stubborn or being not flexible, however I need some privacy.
I will listen and take it as consideration,
but pls show me some respect.

Profile has been view

Today when I logged in to my friendster,
the first thing I realized was my profile has been viewed for 128 times since May 2nd.
Mental calculation:
May 29 - May 2
= 27 days

My profile viewed for 128 times in 27 days.
I know many people probably have their profile viewed more times than mine, however it made me wonder who views my profile anyway?

Thank you for even bother to view my profile, although somehow, it also seems kinda creepy to me. creepy and weird, but in a non-negative kinda way. hmmm..

Disappearance

I been disappeared to some of my friends for awhile.
I was not ready to deal with any kind of relationship.
I was tired to explain what was happening to me.
I was more quiet and not as socialize as before.
There are somethings I would to save it for myself.

Spring semester

It is all over,
but it is not the end yet.
Heading towards to the end in the summer.

According to....

I was having a feeling that I have been thinking of the same problem over and over in my mind.
I do feel it is very exhausting, but I can't help it.
According to the psychologist,
it is one of the symptoms of depression.
Secondly college students are trained to get the answer.
Problem solving is one of typical tasks in our daily life,
however not every single question has an answer.
Some answers are not available at this moment or
it is fine to say "I don't have the answer for the question."

Animal Farm

I heard a story from my food science lab few weeks ago, when we were doing a lab on egg products. It is about story of a farm owner, who had many chickens. One day he decided to kill one of chickens, and then he picked the chicken that was laying very few eggs. He found a chicken, which was not laying egg everyday. When he killed the chicken and cut up its stomach, he found there was an egg about to come out. The eggshell was still very soft inside the chicken’s stomach. The owner was very upset, because there was a relationship had been established between the owner and chickens. The owner treated the chickens as his pets as he feeding them everyday. He thought he made a right decision at the beginning, until he saw the egg in the chicken’s stomach. All these times the chicken was trying to lay an egg for the owner, however it was getting old and unable to lay an egg everyday. I found it is a very sad simple story, but it did inspire me a lot. It showed the reality and how reality works. The story replays in my mind frequently, and keeps remind me about the truth of reality. I shared the story with my counselor; she asked which role am I playing among the chicken, the egg or the owner. I don’t want to play any role among all three characters, because none of them have a good ending. However I did add a few comments, sometimes we can be the owner, sometimes we can be the chicken and sometimes we can be the egg. I do understand that there are things we could not get away and we have to make the decision seems like to be right for us. Nevertheless what made us consider to be right or wrong, we never know until we get to the result. I was trying to keep myself positive, but there is gray area that I cannot stay away. The owner was picking the chicken by looking at its productivity, but he was regretted after he killed the chicken. It does make sense for everybody to eliminate the failures, and keep all the good ones. Once the decision is made and it is not reversible. There are many times that we couldn't take our words back, or the situation does not allow us to take it back. There are many people get layoff everyday and it happens to everywhere. Bosses have to make the decision for selecting the best employees in order to lower the production cost. Sometimes decision could not satisfy everyone, only a few people or maybe only one person is benefits from the result. In another words I would say we knew the decision may hurt someone, but on the other hand it benefits another. I don’t want to judge people or mistrust the other, but the reality does change my decision-making. I try not to be egocentric or being selfish, but the bottom line is I have to live with the reality. What I was doing was totally contradicting to what I used to believe. I never live in the fairy tale; there is nothing perfect in my life. I questioned myself did I ever try to please everyone, and I knew that I am not the number one or nothing I have complete at this time. I am not complaining things that happened in my life, because my experience shaped my personality. I learned from my failure and success and I am going to live with it.

Temporary out of order

I thought it was temporary out of order,
but it still takes me some time to fix my system.
While I was taking the exam this morning,
the people sitting around me were either system busy or loading system in their mind.
After I took the food science class final,
I told myself that might be last food science exam.
I should have this feeling before the exam,
then I could enjoy every moment during the final.

Sparklers

Thanks for lighting me up!
I wish I am sparkling all the time.

Ouch~

Today the electricity was out in the middle of the night. I was sitting in front of my laptop with the backup battery, which was going to last for two and half hours. I was thinking if the electricity is not back within two hours; I am going to school and look for an empty classroom to finish the rest of the assignment. I been questioning myself a lot lately and there were so many old memories came back to me. There were so many things that I used to believe but I don’t believe anymore. Pressure always lives with me and I am not ready to deal with it. I do understand that I need to move on and I have get myself out of here. However life is full of surprises, you never know what is going to happen next. Electricity is back.

Notice

Some people notice it,
some people don't.
I can be a good actress,
in front of some people.
I just pretend nothing had happened.

歡樂今宵

談情一世　發現願望極渺小
留下一點　距離回味猶自心跳
歡樂今宵　虛無飄渺
那樣動搖　不如罷了

No matter what

No matter what I still have to do what I have to do.
I been working on long lasting case studies for last 3 days.
I have to finish it tomorrow and get it out of my way.
I am scare around people,
but I don't mean to be antisocial.
I am not ready to participate in group,
I am very nervous in front of people.

Speaks my mind

You Are Best Described By...

The Starry Night by Vincent van Gogh

What Famous Work of Art Are You?

Forgiveness

Am I being forgive? Or being punish?
I am not sure.
Learning how to forgive people,
then you will be forgiven.
However something is going to stay with me,
I have to learn how to live with it.
Do I born with it which runs in the family?
How am I going to deal with it with the rest of my life?
I wasn't like that before.
What is wrong with me?
Why I put myself in this situation.
I was once promised myself that I would never put myself in a difficult situation.
Then now what...
I broke my promise.

Happy Mother's Day

Dearest Grandmom n mom,
I love you n I miss u always. Sorry.

Underestimated

There were so many things that I was underestimated. I underestimated my tolerance and my mentality. There were many times I thought I was able to handle it or let something go, but things didn’t go the way I wanted to be. End up with disappointment and at a point I would like to give up. Sadness follows me around. There is a reason behind everything, and everything has its value of existence. Problem doesn’t develop in a day, it takes time to build up and resolve. Ignoring a problem is like rolling a snowball; by the time I realize it was too late to break it.

Um.....

I am having a feeling of my heart is so heavy, and there is a rock in my head.
I am unable to perform analytical task or required too much thinking.
I became very stressful when I keep digging the facts or the reasons behind.
I am so shallow

Playground

Have u even play hide and seek?
I am still playing hide and seek sometimes.
Sometimes ppl hide and sometimes ppl seek.
I am just one of those ppl.

Have u even play merry-go-around?
I am still playing merry-go-around.
I am still dizzy and seeing things go around me.

Have u even play seesaw?
Sometimes I see something,
Sometimes I dont...
Thing seems like in front of me in this second,
and disappear in the next second.
posted by Coca Cola @ 3:06 PM 0 comments

Thanks

Dear Dr. Lowenberg,
Thank you very much for your support. Get well soon.. I am not sure I am saying to u or myself. Thanks for there for me and little white handkerchief. The white handkerchief is always with me and I always remember your words. Thanks for providing a shelter for me. Everytime you say "tell me tell me", I was unable to speak a word. My tears just told the whole story. When you looked at me like your daughter and you can feel my pain. My Jewish daddy... Thanks for your encouragement. Sorry that I let you down last tuesday.

心小~小心

心很小的時候，
世界就變得很小，
小的看不起一片美麗的樹葉。
心很亂的時候，路就變得很多，
我們都是這樣走失的.....

Unfinished Business

All sudden I am back to reality.
I had accumulated so much work.
I am not sure I can complete it or leave it blank.
The truth is hurts and I was pushed to see the truth.

The Little Match Girl

Most terribly cold it was; it snowed, and was nearly quite dark, and evening-- the last evening of the year. In this cold and darkness there went along the street a poor little girl, bareheaded, and with naked feet. When she left home she had slippers on, it is true; but what was the good of that? They were very large slippers, which her mother had hitherto worn; so large were they; and the poor little thing lost them as she scuffled away across the street, because of two carriages that rolled by dreadfully fast.

One slipper was nowhere to be found; the other had been laid hold of by an urchin, and off he ran with it; he thought it would do capitally for a cradle when he some day or other should have children himself. So the little maiden walked on with her tiny naked feet, that were quite red and blue from cold. She carried a quantity of matches in an old apron, and she held a bundle of them in her hand. Nobody had bought anything of her the whole livelong day; no one had given her a single farthing.

She crept along trembling with cold and hunger--a very picture of sorrow, the poor little thing!

The flakes of snow covered her long fair hair, which fell in beautiful curls around her neck; but of that, of course, she never once now thought. From all the windows the candles were gleaming, and it smelt so deliciously of roast goose, for you know it was New Year's Eve; yes, of that she thought.

In a corner formed by two houses, of which one advanced more than the other, she seated herself down and cowered together. Her little feet she had drawn close up to her, but she grew colder and colder, and to go home she did not venture, for she had not sold any matches and could not bring a farthing of money: from her father she would certainly get blows, and at home it was cold too, for above her she had only the roof, through which the wind whistled, even though the largest cracks were stopped up with straw and rags.

Her little hands were almost numbed with cold. Oh! a match might afford her a world of comfort, if she only dared take a single one out of the bundle, draw it against the wall, and warm her fingers by it. She drew one out. "Rischt!" how it blazed, how it burnt! It was a warm, bright flame, like a candle, as she held her hands over it: it was a wonderful light. It seemed really to the little maiden as though she were sitting before a large iron stove, with burnished brass feet and a brass ornament at top. The fire burned with such blessed influence; it warmed so delightfully. The little girl had already stretched out her feet to warm them too; but--the small flame went out, the stove vanished: she had only the remains of the burnt-out match in her hand.

She rubbed another against the wall: it burned brightly, and where the light fell on the wall, there the wall became transparent like a veil, so that she could see into the room. On the table was spread a snow-white tablecloth; upon it was a splendid porcelain service, and the roast goose was steaming famously with its stuffing of apple and dried plums. And what was still more capital to behold was, the goose hopped down from the dish, reeled about on the floor with knife and fork in its breast, till it came up to the poor little girl; when--the match went out and nothing but the thick, cold, damp wall was left behind. She lighted another match. Now there she was sitting under the most magnificent Christmas tree: it was still larger, and more decorated than the one which she had seen through the glass door in the rich merchant's house.

Thousands of lights were burning on the green branches, and gaily-colored pictures, such as she had seen in the shop-windows, looked down upon her. The little maiden stretched out her hands towards them when--the match went out. The lights of the Christmas tree rose higher and higher, she saw them now as stars in heaven; one fell down and formed a long trail of fire.

"Someone is just dead!" said the little girl; for her old grandmother, the only person who had loved her, and who was now no more, had told her, that when a star falls, a soul ascends to God.

She drew another match against the wall: it was again light, and in the lustre there stood the old grandmother, so bright and radiant, so mild, and with such an expression of love.

"Grandmother!" cried the little one. "Oh, take me with you! You go away when the match burns out; you vanish like the warm stove, like the delicious roast goose, and like the magnificent Christmas tree!" And she rubbed the whole bundle of matches quickly against the wall, for she wanted to be quite sure of keeping her grandmother near her. And the matches gave such a brilliant light that it was brighter than at noon-day: never formerly had the grandmother been so beautiful and so tall. She took the little maiden, on her arm, and both flew in brightness and in joy so high, so very high, and then above was neither cold, nor hunger, nor anxiety--they were with God.

But in the corner, at the cold hour of dawn, sat the poor girl, with rosy cheeks and with a smiling mouth, leaning against the wall--frozen to death on the last evening of the old year. Stiff and stark sat the child there with her matches, of which one bundle had been burnt. "She wanted to warm herself," people said. No one had the slightest suspicion of what beautiful things she had seen; no one even dreamed of the splendor in which, with her grandmother she had entered on the joys of a new year.

Same scene repeating in my mind

I was preschooler and my mom was walking me to school.
I fell on the way to school and my mom thought I was not going to cry.
However less a minute, I was crying very hard and my mom carried me to school.
The school janitor cleaned my wound and comforted me.
May be it was my first fell and first time experience of pain.

Once upon a time

i'm not exactly the most patient person around,
nor will i be the nicest person you will ever know.
I am not the most understanding person,
who can speak for your mind.
i can't give you the best of everything.
only the best that i can offer.
i can't guarantee you will be happy all the time.
only that i am always trying to.

thank you for loving me.

Few Weeks Ago

My grandmother was in dream few weeks ago.
My grandmother is having Parkinson disease and lost some of her memory.
She took care of me when I was young and she is most patient person I ever knew.
I miss her alot and I do care about her alot.
In my dream she was doing fine without suffering from illness,
we had a great time sharing.
By the end of the dream,
she told me there is something I should let it go three years ago.
I was like "what do you mean?"
She said I knew what she meant.
That's right.

Wishing and Blessing

Just heard a story about a little girl in Japan:

"Have you watched a Japanese program? It talks about a little girl to complete her daddy's wish before his deathwith a teddy bear? "

"That little girl's daddy falls ill very heavily, and would die soon! The little girl is also sick, but is not as serious as her dady. Even though he is gonna die soon, he still try to comfort his little daughter, and tell her that they are gonna go around the world when they get better. "

" But .... her daddy soon passed away! The little girl is very sad. But, remembers daddy's dream of going around the world isn't realized yet, she then thought that she must help ot realize this dream! She regard her teddy bear as her daddy, then inscribed the name of her daddy, and her only name on the teddy bear hoping that whoever got this teddy bear would bring it along in their travel and give it to the next person, and that the teddy bear would keep on travelling."

"And the teddy bear started to go around the world. People pass it on, no matter whether they knew each other or not. It's just a very simple thing."

"People in the TV program asked the girl to appear in the show, and let her talk to a person from germany, telling her that the teddy bear has travelled in 17 countries. The teddy bear is very clean, and have many accesories on it. The teddy bear is safe, so her daddy and her are safe too. The journey for the teddy bear would go on, and the little girl can relax."

I wish my teddy bear and his daddy is doing fine.

Unexpected May 6th, 2005

So many things happened at the same time,
I was scared, disappointed and almost lost my mind.
I went to see counselor to psychiatrist and doctors.
Recommendation from moving-on to moving to psyc-unit.
Prescription from 2 Ativan to 20 Ativan,
From 20 Ativan back to 2 Ativan,
Advanced from 2 Ativan to 5 Prozac.
I was spending time in the waiting room,
without knowing what was going to happen.
The pharmist was asking me "I don't understand why you received such a small dosage?"
I told him that they want to make sure I am not taking too much and see me hanging there everyday.
I looked at myself, where am I? What am I doing?
I was unable to think at all.
It was terrible.
Stand-by next to the phone,
in case my couselor calls me.
If it doesn't work, we try something else. Great keep trying.

(乙水)(乙水)轉

人去了床都未暖　誰都只急於得償素願
誰教我桃花亂轉　跟我終生的走得幾遠

＊（乙水）（乙水）轉　菊花園
　離離去去會有幾多段
　（乙水）（乙水）轉 菊花園
　誰衡量過每段愛太易太短＊

＃我也想從此　玩過就算
　可知我花園中心煩也意亂
　誰亦又趣戀完再戀餘下的青春怎算　流浪
　未到一半便棄船（沒了沒完）＃

誰叫我良心易軟　回憶一一都絲連藕斷
來往過無恩沒怨　深信一位位去亦是緣

Repeat　＊＃＃w/o（）

我也想從此　不愛便算
好好過單身的生活當志願
明日我會點　還會點　期望我永未疲倦
情字　樂於永沒決定權
隨緣 別作戀愛預算